Friday, June 3, 2011

Baby TMI

Let me preface this post by saying that I have always wanted kids.  Ever since I was a kid, I've known I wanted to have lots of babies.  In fact, I wanted to have fourteen kids - seven boys and seven girls, just to make things even and their bunk beds symmetrical.  But I am of the firm belief that too much knowledge on the subject of actually delivering a baby is a bad bad thing.  And it has seriously caused me to rethink the whole situation entirely.

I'm just wondering why women with kids love to tell women without kids all about the joys of pregnancy and labor.  I mean, I would really rather learn certain things along the way.  I think its important to be at the point of no return when you learn that there is a whatever-the-number-is percent chance you may shit yourself while giving birth.  Ninja, what?  I'm sorry, under no circumstances do I want my husband in the room when I move a bowel.  And people sign up for this?  This is the miracle of life?  Sounds like a nightmare to me.

A few months ago a friend sent me a link to a blog that was basically devoted to copying&pasting annoying moms talking about their kids on Facebook.  Mostly about poop, puke, rashes, tummy-aches and the like.  Some of them were pretty funny, I'll admit, but I definitely saw how irritating some of these parents can get.  However, I was NOT prepared for what I saw in one woman's post.  It was so disturbing that I dry heaved in my cubical for a full minute after seeing it.  Some lady thought it appropriate to post...a picture...on Facebook...of... her... PLACENTA!!!!  I mean, like, ick.  To quote that cute kid from Mrs. Doubtfire, it was "the most revolting thing I've ever seen".  Its an image I cannot erase from my mind no matter how hard I try.  Once my friend bought me a shot called The Mind Eraser, and as I tossed it back I thought of that haunting image, hoping I would slam the shot glass on the bar and the memory would be gone.  But no.  Its etched in my brain for the rest of my life.

So parents, if you ever want us sad pathetic people without babies to actually procreate and join your club, stop telling us these horror stories!  Stop showing us pictures of your placentas.  Stop inundating us with every detail of your messy delivery.  And please remember, no one, and I mean no one, wants to see your labor video.  Its just gross. Cut it out.

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